Peace of Mind
I hope the day finds you well when you read this. I'm finally in the process of resuscitating myself. I moved to my own place over the weekend, and am also back at work as of yesterday. When I woke up this morning...I just knew it was one of those days where I'd quickly return to sleep and wake up around 10 am because I am exhausted.The past twelve months have been interesting to say the least. Life is a journey with it's twists and turns, but they say never give up...so I've surrendered to the process and am going with my life's flow.
After a year...I'm finally at the stage where I own myself again. For those who know the story...I am a Chemical Engineer. I literally now live about ten minutes away from the refinery where I used to work. I'm here wondering whether or not to say hello to my boss and tell him where I am. We had a good relationship...so for the past two days...every morning when I wake up the following conversation plays in my mind. "Boss...you won't believe this!! The only place outside of the house where I can hear myself think...is down the road from the refinery. One of these days I'll pass by and say hi." I'll send this email...eventually.
Again...it's one of those strange things. My colleague...with the same skills that I have...just migrated to the United States with her husband...so I also have a subconscious fear that they might ask me to come back and fill her shoes. My colleague and I know certain aspects of the plant...in a very similar way...since she's the one who trained me in the first place. All these thoughts tend to flood your mind. Those who've been in my position would understand. I'm honestly just trying to release the past. The plant haunted my dreams for about a year after I left. Certain things you do in life...become a part of you.
Aside from that...I'm at a place where I'm able to hear my own voice once again. Living at home...although everything was provided for...I just felt like I was under the mercy of everyone. For the entire 2018...I went to the supermarket once and that was in July when everyone went away and it was just me...the house...the car and distant peacocks. I was spoiled...which is what I needed...but I'm ready to own myself. There was a phase where I was blogging every day about my ability to meditate all day because there was finally peace. That's what it feels like...when the house is empty.
My family home is in the hills, and with my transition, and the sale of the car...whenever I needed to go anywhere...I had to ask permission. I honestly felt trapped yet free at the same time. One of those paradoxes of life. Where I am now...I'm interesting still in the hills, but I have easy access to everything...so I feel way more independent and stronger...which is the aim of 2019. Every year has a theme...and 2019's is full independence. I'm returning to finish what I started...but not via the route that I originally envisioned. In the simplest way that I can explain it...I am living my dream...but it's taking me a detour and a half to get there!!!
Where exactly am I? Yours truly moved back to the country. I'm in the parish of Clarendon. May Pen to be exact. I'm renting a flat, so have my own furnished semi-studio. I have a small balcony..so I'll eventually sit outside and read there once I've fully settled in. I work in Kingston...and commute for about two hours in the morning to get to work at the University. I still have my 208 students. Lol. The semester will ramp up pretty quickly. Thankfully...I don't start work till 9 am...and have the luxury of leaving home at 7 am. I work for two days a way as a Chemistry laboratory demonstrator, while my PhD dreams are unfolding.
As simple as my existence will be for the next eight months...I'm at peace. Working two days...allows me three days to fulfill my dream of becoming a PhD in my field. When I was at the plant...I was easily overwhelmed by my duties. The plant runs 24/7, we even have our own medical wing on site...and as an engineer I had a laptop and cell phone and the plant had access to me round the clock...inclusive of the weekends. They owned me pretty much. If there was an issue with condensate, a boiler tripped etc...yours truly would be on the phone at 11 pm...to fix it, and if the situation was worse...I'd had to drive in, assess and stay until everything was rectified. I was blessed...but in certain aspects of life...wasn't happy. I honestly enjoy my freedom...and am learning to be realistic at the same time.
I'm allowing myself to just mellow out for a few days...and then resume my intentions. Moving was in the initial phases of the 2019 vision...so bear with me. I'm freer now...own myself again...so soon enough...we'll start shopping again:) The mall is just down the road. My brain said to me..."Tandy...you the May Pen Maxie is way bigger than the one in Kingston. Let's go exploring!!!" Eveything is there. Home, clothes...jewellry...need I say more?
Laters...I'll soon be back to life:)